Episode Transcript
[00:00:25] Speaker A: Finally they stood up and said, you know what? I'm not doing it anymore. I'm going to get out. I'm going to live my life and I'm gonna be with somebody who loves me. Because who I am, I don't care if he's white, black, whatever his is yellow, green. I'm gonna go with that. Love is find it, go after it, be happy.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Was it.
[00:00:44] Speaker A: That's how it is.
[00:00:45] Speaker B: Being first generation Somali American in the early 2000s, what gave you the courage to even date another culture as a woman? Yeah.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: Number one, I came from a religious family.
First of all, the family and also educated family.
[00:01:02] Speaker B: You see, that's a big deal.
[00:01:04] Speaker A: Thank you. My family are educated. When I say educated, both Dean and mada. Mada means, you know, like education, like secular education. And also the religion. My dad's well known about his religion. He understands the concept of this religion. Our religion Islamic was not sent down for only Somalis.
Allah subhana wa ta' ala says in Al Bakhra, I sent down this religion to mankind. He didn't even stop there. He said, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: Wait.
[00:01:37] Speaker A: What are you talking? Jinnah.
Whoa. Hello. Yeah. Because there were group of people jinns that when they heard the Quran was, you know, recited, came to Prophet Muhammad Ali said, we like to invite you. We wanted to hear what this is. And they convert to Islam. So. So they are people who with us every single day. They're their genes that evil and good and bad. Both of them just like humans. There are some are evil and bad. Green river killer, he was a bad human being. A lot of murdered people good and bad Islam Muslims, they have a good and bad. There are people who say we're Muslim in the name of Islam. They killing people. So they're evil. Are they using the religion?
[00:02:20] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:02:20] Speaker A: Are they supposed to know? Is that against religion?
[00:02:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: And who is this religion was sent down to man, which is when this Allah use is a masculine means. Everyone, man and woman, everyone in jinn, the unseen, those who are good. So there you have it. So this religion was not sent down to for one culture. So for me, it was easy for me because I brought up household. The religion was always up here and the culture was secondary. Our culture where we and I from Somalia, the religion is secondary and the culture is up there. Let's be honest. So my dad was like, as long as the guy is Muslim and he has a job and you love him and you guys are good for each other and you guys are comparable. You're good I'm good.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: And that's how it should be. Parents supposed to support their children whoever they want to be with. Except are you in the same belief? And the reason why is that especially us women, it is very important for especially as women to have. Can a Muslim man marry somebody who's not Muslim? Yes, that's another story. But a kind of Muslim woman married somebody who's not Muslim? No. Why? That's also another story. But one thing I'll tell you that I wanted to have a man who has my faith. I don't care who he is.
So when I call him my leader into leadership position, because men supposed to be leader, women are leader too. But if I'm going to say this guy, he is going to lead me, he has to have the correct religion. If he doesn't have that, how is he going to lead me? For example, prayer man always lead the woman. If you don't have my religion, then how you going to pray? How, how am I going to follow you? How am I going to pray behind you or next to you as your wife?
[00:04:06] Speaker B: My dad, he's also the same way when it comes to like, like marriage and stuff. Oh, my parents in general, it's religions first and then culture. Even the way we were raised, religion always. It was the foundation that the house was built on. Absolutely. And the way everything like it was the standard, you know, and expectations.
So you, you always know what to expect. You always know what rules to expect. You always know how to be, how to show up. Culture always changes. But religion is the most, like, it doesn't change. Most stable thing, you know. And I feel like that's how you're supposed to raise a family on stability. And like a marriage, the foundation of it should be stability. Yes. So what's more safer than religion?
[00:04:47] Speaker A: Nothing.
[00:04:48] Speaker B: I see them Mormons right now. They're allowing the women to start wearing tank tops so they can start showing their arms.
[00:04:55] Speaker A: My sister told me to watch. Sister watch? I thought Washington was sister Wash.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: So much people got mad about it because they're like, when we were growing up, there's so much things we weren't allowed to do. So how can a pastor just change something about religion? You know, if religion is always supposed to be the same.
[00:05:12] Speaker A: Wait, wait, wait. A pastor just said that.
[00:05:14] Speaker B: Okay, you guys, their community can wear tank tops.
[00:05:17] Speaker A: It's like imam said that. Oh, girls. Okay, I have a news for you.
[00:05:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:21] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:05:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
And like so much people who got kicked out of the community, they're so mad about it because they're like, you guys kicked us out for doing these things. But now the pastor is saying you can do it. So what are you worshiping and who's making the rules? And I feel like that's what culture is. It's always changing. Some things are man made.
[00:05:46] Speaker A: I think that pastor is using the culture. He should make it very clear. And he's using his, his way and his ideology at the religion. Yeah, that's that. Yeah, that's how it is.
[00:05:58] Speaker B: Okay, so now we know it's 2025. Dating has changed from back then.
How can we engage with modern dating tools like social media or apps without compromising our values?
[00:06:14] Speaker A: For me, I, for me dating app became like, oh my God. Oh by the way I, I got even myself. I've gotten to sign up couple of dating apps. By the way, after I got healed myself and I was ready to go, you know, date.
[00:06:27] Speaker B: Yes, Lord.
[00:06:28] Speaker A: Harness Mismatch and salams or Muslims and salams. I don't want to say anything because you know, I do respect them. But dating became scary for the community.
Whether you meet someone from the app or you meet someone outside the app. Let's talk truth. There is tiger war first of all between single mothers and younger women like yourself. Like you. I'm in social media a lot. I listen. I'm not those who talk. I listen a lot. And recently a lot of younger women are being voiced and they say that single women more they get more more time or they get remarried quickly than and this is our community. I'm not talking about every community. They get remarried quickly than a woman.
A single woman who's never been married. And the question was brought up why they felt like this is some of group of women and it's been going on for a while in our community. Say it because some guys, they say that it's easy for us to marry single mother because she's already established. Means that they don't have to pay the big mahar that you guys require. I don't know where it came from. Yeah, and they just have to bring their luggage. Yeah.
They don't require to rent a place.
[00:07:57] Speaker B: Surely has a home.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: She already has a home. She's already established. She already has a career. She already has. She's already making her money. She has kids. So this guy is just, you know, there just to support or even if you decide to have a children with her. There's no issue. I told them that child has a money issue. That's right. Six there as a what mommy issue and it's true, because I can witness to that. I've met few guys when I started dating that were younger than me. And it surprised me.
It surprised me because first of all, Somalia I think is the second culture, Muslim culture or Muslim country beside, what's the other country than women who's divorced get married very quick. Mauritania. Mauritania. Mauritania. Is it Mauritania?
[00:08:44] Speaker B: Mauritanian, yes.
[00:08:45] Speaker A: They're women after they get divorced. Oh my God, they get married right away. That's what I heard. I don't know why, but Somali community, for my experience and what I have seen, divorced women get married very quick. Once you, once people hear that you are divorced. I had to change my number 20 year to 22 years. I literally had to change outside. Who give away my number. I'm a very private person, but in a way I'm public too. I had to change my number because I'm not the only one. It does exist, but the wrong kind of attention. Sometimes though, there is a deep dark that a lot of women don't talk about it. The divorce women don't talk about it.
And there is the one that the younger woman who has not been married feel like they've been left out. Because in our culture, as you know, man has to provide women, even when she's making her own money, he has to provide her living and all that stuff. So man, before he get married, he has to make sure he has his own place, he has, you know, his own transportation, he has to pay the mahara, he has to buy more clothing, you know, he has to spend at least, you know, 50 GS. Yeah, leave the GS.
Maybe 25 to 50 GS. And you saw our community nowadays are from 20 to 150.
So the younger women, I do agree with them to some point where we see, and I've seen it myself, a lot of younger men, they marry a middle aged woman like myself just because they don't want to spend this much money to marry. First time.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: I've never heard this.
[00:10:30] Speaker A: Oh my God.
Lord have mercy.
Maybe I should tag you when I'm sitting on those panels.
[00:10:37] Speaker B: You know what I always thought, because I never connected those two things together. But I do see a lot of women who were divorced, they have remarried in the past couple of years, you know, so for me I just assumed now they have because they've already done it once. They have less fear compared like the woman, they have less fear compared to someone who's never been married or they know what they want more now, or they're not afraid to. To let you go if they already like were married the first time. But I never viewed it from the man's perspective where he's trying to come into something that's already established, that doesn't require much of him.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: There's two ways, though. There's that way and the way you just mentioned it, There are some women who's just doing the rebound. Remember we talked about earlier?
[00:11:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:11:23] Speaker A: Getting divorced and getting married again without thinking. Without thinking about why did I get divorced from that guy and why am I marrying this guy? Not because he's cute or he got money or he can take care of me. Why?
And she hasn't healed her trauma. She brings it here and then there is a clash and then there's a divorce and then she moves to the next guy. It's like a cycle. She repeats it and that's a toxic environment even for her kids, if she has kids. And then there's this guy who, what the girl says is true, is greedy. And I've seen a couple of them who tried to slip into my dm. I know them as. I was like, no, we're not aligned. I'm sorry.
The young ones too. It surprised me, very young. And I've asked them, I said, why do you think middle aged woman like myself, who's already been divorced, who already has a lot of experience, who just want a companionship, by the way, somebody who I can travel with and I'm a cooking plan for you. My kids are older. Why, why would I want to marry you? What are you gonna bring to the table? I'm not gonna give you kids because I don't want to have children. I'm done. Why would you want to risk that? No, I just wanna. I just love you, dude.
Serious. And I know what's behind it.
Number one, he's just like the girl says, he's trying to run away from the whole, you know. Or maybe he wants to give me a few years to have fun with me, maybe to save his money while he's with me and then to ditch me again. But then I'm not that woman. I'm healed woman. So when you're talking to healed women, she knows what she wants. And that's not what she wants. She wants someone who is healed, like her. Because that guy, he's not healed, even though he hasn't been in a relationship. But there's some other issues that he's going through it until he finds what's Wrong with him. Why he would not marry another woman. That is his caliber. He's not going to settle. Yeah, but he's not going to settle with women like us. So that's. That's that piece. The other piece is that there are men. This is the ugly part that a lot of people don't talk about, but now it's been talked about a lot. This is called the Qudbis red one. This is a married man in the community who you know very well, well respected even. Or maybe you friend's husband who's offering you a secret marriage, which Islam. It doesn't exist.
It doesn't. In Somalia. I call it shamuta nimo because it's nahla. The word Nikah means to announce to the world.
But if a guy comes to you and you know his wife, and he say, I want to marry you, okay, I can be your second wife if you're okay with it. Because every woman is not okay with it, remember?
But he says, no, no, no. I wanted to marry you, but I don't want the world to know. Not your dad, not your uncles, not your brothers. Just me. You're gonna go to another city. You're gonna get married there. And guess what? I'm only gonna come see you daytime. I'm not gonna come sleep with you at night. And I'm only gonna come see you while the kids are in school. Or you and I, we're gonna see each other, this hotel, on certain day of the week, a certain time of the week. Basair with married men. That is called affair with married men. And you got them know it. That's not halal. You're sleeping with married men. And by the way, I was offered this one too. I'm gonna pay your bill. Lord have mercy.
[00:14:44] Speaker B: Because they want a side chick, you.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: Know, you're the side chick and you're having an affair with the married man. Because he's not gonna come to sleep with you at night. He's not gonna keep you from cold. What are you gonna be by yourself? I don't care how many cats you have. I mean it.
While he's with his wife. And guess what? What happened most of the time. And I seen this blow up in their faces in social media. I remember one night, I was in TikTok. I was one of the rooms. I was just sitting there on the bottom, waiting, just listening, just passing the time.
Wife was in the room already. Wife was in the room. The side chick came in the room. The wife was talking something. She smelled something, you know, When a woman smells something, she spills stuff. The side chick. In this case, we're gonna call it side chick. Because this other woman, I'm sorry, I don't have. Have no sympathy for her. Because, you see, if you don't value yourself, I can't value you.
I can't.
Because you put yourself in that place. If this guy comes to you and say, oh, I'm gonna hide you. We're gonna go to Portland, we're gonna get married. Dude, think about it.
[00:15:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:46] Speaker A: Your entire family is here. This guy, he skipped that part in Islam. He used it something that was against Islam. I don't care how you put it and who practice it.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: Is a Nika actually happening?
[00:15:57] Speaker A: Then it happens it. But it's not announced. It's not announced. It's secret. And guess what? Most of the time, this Nikah, I've not been conducted by a real chef.
[00:16:08] Speaker B: He's like a friend or something.
[00:16:10] Speaker A: It's a guy. He's friend or something.
[00:16:12] Speaker B: Goodbye.
[00:16:13] Speaker A: And this stuff, it happened to women that are well known in the community, good women. And then it blows in their face. Guess what, what happens? They get pregnant.
[00:16:21] Speaker B: This video I saw this lady said, who are.
This is what she said.
Women who are, like, lazy or don't want to take full responsibility for their action. Adult, like being an adult and taking care of yourself. Instead of doing that, they'd rather just go get married or be in a relationship because the man provides that financial, like, freedom. Whatever. She's like, if you actually. If you didn't rely on a man for finances, you will go and build your own. And then you, like, you would have some standard, you know? But when you don't want to do that, it's easier for you to just marry whoever or be a side chick because you want your bills paid.
[00:17:02] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's what some women do.
That's what someone do. They just do it because they wanted their bills to be taken care of.
[00:17:10] Speaker B: Mm.
[00:17:11] Speaker A: I never do that. Because it's not worth it.
[00:17:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:14] Speaker A: At the end of the day, you're just using your body. I mean, I can say, see, women do it, but I don't know. It's not in me. I can't just do it.
[00:17:21] Speaker B: It's like you're pipping the idea of marriage.
[00:17:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:25] Speaker B: And that's not what marriage is.
[00:17:27] Speaker A: And I. And I was approached, by the way, for people who. I never thought that will approach me.
I even told my mom too. I was like, mom so and so approached me with this. She was like, oh, my God.
[00:17:39] Speaker B: You know, we wonder why we have marriage problems.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:42] Speaker B: Because it never start. The foundation was never. It never aligned with like the dean, you know.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: No, it's not. It's not. It's not aligned with the dean because they don't. They think the only time they practice the deen is when they pray in salah. Because you will see a guy, he's gonna murder somebody, like back home right now, right? There's a war, right? The guy is gonna murder somebody.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: Right.
[00:18:02] Speaker A: He's gonna kill someone. But next to it, there is Adan in the masjid. He's gonna go pray salah. Okay, what just happened?
[00:18:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:10] Speaker A: Who give you a right to murder somebody and okay for you and then go to pray salah. Did you see like there? How. How do you do it?
[00:18:19] Speaker B: Cognitive dissonance.
[00:18:21] Speaker A: Yeah. It's like there's this association between this person who is like a killer and this person who's just like, you know, those murderers, you know, they used. Some of them, they used to have a home.
They would come home to their wives and be normal, and they'd be normal. But then they will go out at work like a normal day and they kill people. But in the community, they've been known like.
Like recently. I was watching Ted Bundy. I think it was Ted Bundy. Yeah, Normal, like upstanding community or something. But yet they just. How would personally do it? They have to have. They have to be something that's wrong mentally because they cannot be right. Yeah, they cannot be right.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: That's like, you know how some people, they use deen as a. It just. It's a form of identity. Like, you have a Muslim name, you.
You celebrate Eid, you pray five times a day, the clothing. But nothing is in your heart and it doesn't align with like your actions.
[00:19:20] Speaker A: And some of them, when you ask Islam, they say, islam is in my heart. Well, let me think about it.
[00:19:25] Speaker B: That's the purpose.
[00:19:26] Speaker A: If Islam is in your heart, if it's in your heart, you should reflect outside too.
[00:19:34] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:19:34] Speaker A: This is like what you eat. It reflects outside. If I eat McDonald every single day, what's going to happen to you?
[00:19:40] Speaker B: It's going to reflect that fact.
[00:19:41] Speaker A: Exactly. I'd be having diabetes, I'd be having health issues, but there you have it. So it's in my heart. Okay. Let it stay there in the heart.
I hate when people say that. I'm like, oh, my God, not again.
[00:19:53] Speaker B: Okay, so with all like that stuff that we talked about, what does a healthy, centered relationship look like to you?
[00:20:01] Speaker A: Two people who are healthy. Number one, when I say healthy I meant mentally. You see today we are facing a lot of mental health challenges in our community. Not only our community, everywhere in the world. So many health challenges, mental health challenges. Make sure the person who you think that you wanted to share life with, it's stable. I almost got married by the way, second time and come to find out the guy was mentally, he was not mentally okay. And this person, if you see this person, if you check his background, he would say this is the perfect guide for Sa' Ad Deen. Check, look, check everything. Family check. One thing that surprised me at the end was the mental health. Not all of us are okay in there. How do you find out? Yes, take your time, get to know the person, take your time and ask questions. Ask questions not only him or her, but where that person grew up, who they grew up around, family members.
Even if you wanted to have like a certain test done, I would say go for it. Because for me after that, almost the incident, next time I get married, I'd be like dude, listen, can we check? I would like to see you, you know, health history. I can show you. Mine is right here. I got a couple issues.
We can work on it, you know. Yeah, I mean nobody's to going perfect but mental health is very important because especially if it's under diagnosed, you have to realize that most of our people, they don't believe in, they don't, they believe in that, oh, I'm going to be okay. As long I can read the Quran, I'm going to be okay. As long I can study Islam, I'm going to be okay. Yeah, you're going to be okay. But also Allah subhana wa ta'. Ala. What?
You know, medicine or reason? Take the medication, get the support you need to get. If you get to see counseling, if you get to see psychiatrist, if you have to take medication, however long it takes, do it before you destroy somebody else's life. Because you have to realize that if you are not mentally well, you are not going to build any relationship with anyone, especially intimate relationship. Make sure that person and you are. Both of you help.
[00:22:14] Speaker B: I like that advice. Yeah.
[00:22:16] Speaker A: And you both love Allah subhanahu wa ta' ala too. Because remember we talked about it, if you love Allah, you will attract people. But then sometimes Allah will test you himself. He will bring people in your life to see. Are you blind or you're not? Because there is a blindfold. Some things will blindfold you. Like for me when I met this person, he blindfold Me, I was introduced to him by a friend, incredible friend, who I love. He blindfolded me too.
Because he present himself as a perfect.
[00:22:45] Speaker B: What a purpose of a test like that be? Because I, right now, I'm dating. No. And I keep talking to different people. So sometimes when I'm done talking to them, I always ask myself, if this wasn't meant to end in marriage, what was the purpose of it? Even if it was like three months, one month, whatever, you learn something from it.
[00:23:04] Speaker A: You see, everyone who enters your life, there is a reason. No one just enters your life for a reason. Allah sins people into your life for a reason. They either teach you lesson or they learn from them. You learn, they teach you or you learn from them. That's why you cannot be blindfolded.
You must know why this person now, why this time? Why? Why him? Why me? Why is he here this time? Why have I met him at this time? And also.
And people talk about Istakara. And be careful how you use Istakara, because sometimes you can pray and you expect. Okay, I feel good. Are we good to go? Y.
No, as many as you can. Because sometimes you might feel good. And also your instinct. Normally we have a shark instinct, but guess what? We don't use it. Why? Because we're so busy with what's happening around us, we don't listen. Our instinct, our instinct is very sharp. The minute you feel something, something, oh, don't push it away. Don't say it's going to be okay. No, follow through it. Follow through it. Because guess what? That's that point right there that you think, oh, okay, I just me that work, that feeling that you feel.
Follow that.
[00:24:24] Speaker B: I have, I have a personal question. It's on the list. I was talking to my therapist this past Monday, you know, and then I didn't have a tissue for like three weeks. So after three weeks, I came back, I told her, oh, I'm not talking to the person I was talking to the last time we talked. And then she said to me, is it, is it a form of self sabotage or did something happen?
And I just said, I don't feel like it anymore, you know, because I don't know, I just don't feel like it because of like certain actions, you know? And she's like, did you communicate that? And I'm like, yeah, but how? Like, how do we know when we're sabotaging something and like running away from love versus that's one question. And another question is how much times can you communicate something?
And then now you're, now it's like you're borderline begging compared to you're not communicating well.
[00:25:23] Speaker A: Self sabotage is something that we do. Women often. I do it too. My daughter told me I do it because I talk to her. She's my best friend, she's 20, but I talk to her sometimes when I'm, you know, dating men, I talk to her. I'd be like, I'm dating this guy. And I talk to her and she talks to me too. And sometimes she said, mom, give her your self sabbatic, right? I'd be like, yeah, I know we do self suffering and it's normal, but don't make it as your scapegoat. What do you mean a break? And you know, but they'll come back, they'll let you know, they'll be like, hey, listen, this is not you. Can we talk about this? I mean, because they want this relationship to work, but if it was not meant to be, when you self sabotage it, he's gone. See ya.
He's not gonna stick around. Absolutely not. But when a man wants women, honey, he will not stop. If hell is in front of him, he will cause it. And he doesn't care what he says.
Even if you, if you're lying to him, he would know. He'll feel it. And he'd be like, I don't care, I want this woman. He sees something in you that he wants. And you know what you say about men are hunters, right? It's true. The right man, though. Not all men, because there are men that are very manipulative. They play with your feelings. Like we talked about that the other day, the ghosting one. Yeah, yeah, leave them regret too. They'll leave you in red. They will exploit your feelings and they just go, don't worry about it.
Next. Yeah, but be careful. You're doing self sabotage. Don't make it seem like this is like the norm to, you know, go with it. But love, you will know when love arrives, you will not self sabotage because you will know. Your heart will know. Your feeling will know. He would know. It's like a effortless, you know, like when it's raining, right? It feels so good. Some of us enjoy the rain. I don't have a black screen for rain. Can you imagine living in Seattle and have a black screen when it's not raining outside? I'm not gonna have a black screen.
It's like that. It's like a glass of water pouring water out of cups. Smooth, right? The relationship, you will feel nothing like it's effortless ease. That's how you know how you gonna stop sabotage, Something like that.
But yeah, will come in your head and will say, oh my God. He will find a small thing to stir up some problem. But guess what? That guy, he's not going to back away. And he's not afraid. He'll be like, bring it on. I know what she trying to do. She's trying to push me away. She's scared. Cuz he knows what is self attack. Self sabotage is when you scared, when you feeling like, oh my God. Because we as women, we panic when we see something real. We panic. We're like oh my God, is this it? Is this it? Oh my God, I can.
And then we push, we push away. Guys do it too. When they see something real, they push, they back up. What do we do? We run after them. And what do they do? They push away. The more you run after them, the more they run away. What are you supposed to do? Push back too? Give him a chance, give him a time to breathe. Oh, he'll be gone for a while. He will realize it. He will know, oh, the phone is not ringing anymore. Oh, she's not texting anymore. Oh my God. Then he start to panic. He'll be like, oh my God, I cannot, I can, I cannot live without this woman. He will know the nights that he will stare on the steering wheel. He will listen to that song. You guys know each other like my God. And then that's when he realized that man didn't know when you are the one. No matter how hard you push, no matter how much you. They will not go away. They might, but they're not going to be gone long. They'll come back because they know.
[00:29:02] Speaker B: And then the second question, what was it about communication?
When do you know when to give up? After you communicated all your needs and you're still not getting what you want.
[00:29:12] Speaker A: That's the thing about women. We are very communicative with people. We're a creature that loves to communicate because we wanted to be heard. Men are different. You could be sitting next front, front of them, you be, you can be talking to them like an hour. Guess what? How much you hear that one?
[00:29:29] Speaker B: 20%. 20.
[00:29:30] Speaker A: That's a lot. 5. Sorry guys, but that, that's true. You have to know your man. How much can he take? You have to give them a chance to rebuttal. And we women, we over communicate sometimes. And when they scare the hell out of me, it scares them. There are guys that will text you all day. Long and guess what? I don't like him. I don't like men who text me every single hour. No, I'm too busy. I got, I got things to do. I wanted to miss you. Don't text me.
[00:29:59] Speaker B: It's like even working.
[00:30:00] Speaker A: Don't text me every single hour. I don't need to know what are you doing? Do you think? Do you. Whatever you have to do and let me do it, let me miss you.
Same thing guys do. If you text him all day long, if you over communicate you will overpower him and then he's gonna lose interest because guys their brain, I'm sorry to say this are different from ours but communication is very important at the beginning. Be clear in boundaries are very important. Be clear about what you want. You see when I asked the younger man who approached me and interested of, you know, wanting to get to know me. I went out with them couple of times and I talked to them and I'm like why would you interested older than like myself. They said most of them they said because you guys know what you want. It's always clear and inconsistent and you don't take a BS and you don't have room for BS. Yes, I have set of rules myself for me when I was younger I had a. A lot of check a lot of checkpoint when I was younger to check boxes about a man. But now the tables turned. I don't. I have rules like certain hours I'm not going to be on the phone with you. What am I going to talk to you about ° no, I need my sleeping Beauty tomorrow I gotta go to work. So you're not gonna talk to me after 9 o' clock. I need to relax, I need to settle. I need to get into my, you know, Zen mode. I don't want to talk to anybody. Even my father knows me. Don't call the house, don't call me unless somebody died. Even if somebody died, what am I gonna do? I cannot bring them back to life. Talk to me in the morning. Well, of course parents. Yeah. Yeah but if somebody died, there's nothing I can do. Don't call me because I still need my sleep. Yeah, that's right. If you get a car accident. Yeah. If something happens. Yeah. If you want something from me.
[00:31:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:49] Speaker A: So that's me. The other thing, when you're communicating someone and he's not reciprocating that means that person is not interested. Move on.
But watch it. Once you get quiet and you go red means that stop texting, stop communicating, let them go. Then they'll get pushback and they'll be like, oh my God, she's not texting me, I'm gonna go check on her. Move on that. If you're interested, continue. If not, move on. But there is such a thing that called over communicating. Yes, there is. And a lot of men, they don't like that because the way they receive information is not like us. You see us. If you have a problem, you can call your girlfriend, right? You guys can sit five hours and compensate. But if your husband comes home and you're telling him what happened between you and Khadija, he can only take like five minutes from that. But if you tell him the water is broke, it needs to be fixed, oh, he's gonna go down and fix it because that's what he's designed to do. But you in a Khadija thing. Yeah, absolutely not. It's best if you call your girlfriend or your mom or your dad or your sister or he doesn't. But they don't. Even if you're going to, even if you're going to say to them or talking to them, they will act as if they hear you out of courtesy. But other than that, that's not their thing. Believe me. They just saying, yeah, they're not.
[00:33:11] Speaker B: Okay. How can we approach as an act of worship and not just emotion.
[00:33:16] Speaker A: You have to love Allah first, right?
[00:33:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:19] Speaker A: And act of not emotion. Love is emotion. When you love someone, you are attached to them, you will get attached to them, that you will get attached to that person. Even when you break up with them. Allow yourself to, to to mourn.
And believe me, men do the same thing too. When they break up with you or when you guys break up, they mourn. They might seem not to. Believe me, they will, they are mourning and you will be too. And you need to allow your. That's why I always tell women I said when you are a relationship, don't jump into it. Allow yourself to mold. Honey. If you have to go to Cheesecake Factory and get the. The longest tier Cheesecake Factory and bring it home and glass of milk girl, do it. Eat it. If you have to go walk or if you have to do something stupid stuff, skydive, whatever will get you through, do it. Some women, they go, start losing weight, go do whatever the gets you to it, do it. You can do anything, healthy stuff, even unhealthy stuff for yourself for short term, but don't go out there. And that's one thing you need to say is to abstain from him. And guys, when you Break up with them. They don't like, like a long text message.
It could have been like this. Now, even if there's a chance for the relationship, show him that you have honor yourself and you value yourself, yourself enough to stay away and control yourself. You see, you have to learn how to control your emotions. I love emotional. What is it called?
Yes, I do. I read a lot of books about how to regulate your emotion. I remember one time I was talking to this guy and he was seeing a lot of things. I just watched him across from, from the table and I just, I was like, are you done? He's like, yeah, I'm done. I said, okay. And this caught my personal. I was like, have a good day. He said, I was like, oh, I thought you were done with like a face. Like inside I'm screaming cuz I want to rebuttal, but I don't want to give him that satisfaction. I need to stop by Cheesecake Factory and get my yes. Yeah, I mean, and I left. Remember we're into exam when she blew up the card. I mean the time that was necessary again, the times that we allowed.
But let's not get there.
[00:35:34] Speaker B: Okay, okay.
[00:35:35] Speaker A: That, that's what I did to that guy. I mean, he was just arguing, arguing, arguing. And I just listen. But while I was listening, I was actually not listening. I zoned out. I did. And you can do that too. You can just zone up, let listen. And once they're done, you say, okay, you're done. Okay. Okay. Thank you so much, by the way. We had a. That was a good talk. I appreciate you. Have a good day.
Just.
[00:35:58] Speaker B: Ling, nowadays they say don't let.
[00:36:05] Speaker A: Stand out, stand down. Right? That's power. Actually. That's a power. Yeah, because when you stand out, somebody sense of power.
You grab your purse or you grab your glass. I thought you were done. You can say babe, dude.
And you have that face, you know, like stoic, stoic face. Oh, they hate that. Oh, they hate that. Oh my God, they hate that. And then, and as he gets up, don't wait for him to get up with you. Keep the power. You move on, you leave. And if he walks away with you, you go faster and get into your car and then move on. Don't pull the window down if he comes up, because sometimes we'll do that. Just leave. And his text message there is a mute, muted. Don't, don't block him. Just leave him bread. Let him just keep going himself. Yeah, just, just, just either call your girlfriend, go see a movie or do whatever you have to do to do it yourself or go to kickboxing. For me, I like to run in the treadmill. Go there treadmill. I just like to run.
[00:37:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
Nowadays they say don't let no one dysregulate your nervous system.
[00:37:07] Speaker A: No, it's not worth it, girl.
Especially me. I love my sleep. My dad used to call me a cat. I do love my sleep. I love my sleep. I hate anybody who will disturb my. My peace. That's why I don't like to have a conversation before I go to sleep at night. I don't. It's not worth it. You're not having a conversation with me before I go to sleep. That's one of my rules. Yeah, I'm not having no conversation. I don't care how much you love me. You can say I love you, babe. You can text me, I'll check it in the morning. I'm not looking at my phone. No, I'm not on my watch TV with my Louie. By the way, my cat's name is Lois, but other than that, no, I'm not going to be on the.
There's some girls who are on the phone until 1 o' clock in the morning. They come to work, their eyes are red shut. No, I did that when I was a girl, when I was 19, 18. No, I'm not teenager. I'm too grown to do that. I'm not doing it. Nope. I love my peace. And anybody who disturbed my peace, they're not worth of my time. You have to realize that to be in your life is a privilege. Let them know that, let them feel it.
Don't just let anyone, not even a man, just anyone, even a female, let her fit. Friendship goes both way. You do me and I tell you, but minute I smell that you're just, you know, messing things up, girl, I'm gonna leave you behind. I don't care who you are. No, it's not worth it.
[00:38:28] Speaker B: What would you say to the woman who they have a lot of health issues because of like a relationship they're in.
[00:38:34] Speaker A: See therapists, work on yourself and if you are in an abusive relationship, get out quickly. It's not worth it. It's not because you are killing yourself. No relationship is worth your health. No, your health should come number one. Never miss your checkup. Yearly checkup. Never miss you checkup. I don't care whether you're married, not married, single, young woman. I don't care who you are.
Never miss your yearly checkup. Always be on top of your health, your health. Should be your priority. Exercise well. Eat right. Eat the correct food. Enjoy healthy food. Your health should be number one priority. Especially your mental health. And no man is worth no man. I don't care who he is. It could be Boogie. I don't care if you're a millionaire or billionaire. And you're married to me. You are not messing with my health. Because you your health. Allah Subhana wa ta' ala gave you one body. Only one body. There's no two, there's no three. That one body is a mana.
[00:39:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:35] Speaker A: And you must take care of it. You see, it's not even yours. One day it's going back to the earth. And while you have it, you have to take care of it because it's yours. If you destroy your own body. Come on, who are you? Seriously. You have to take care of your own body. What you put, you put inside, it reflects outside.
First you have to clean the heart. The heart is the lamp of the body. How you clean it. Reading the Quran, praying your salat, paying your zakat, Taking care of the elderly, your family members. Being nice to your own self. Being kind to yourself. Not taking that one bath you love the most. But not disturb enjoying yourself. Be your own company. Enjoy your own company. You don't have to have a man or woman around you all the time to make you happy. Look, when my kids are not out of the house, I enjoy my time. I'll be like, thank God and every mom can relate to this too. Take that time and enjoy it. And if you're a young girl, grown up in life, take all the time in the world. You don't have to rush into marriage. I have seen younger ladies these days rushing into marriage because they are running away from the family home.
[00:40:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:40:44] Speaker A: And I know how it feels. I've been there. Believe me, it's not worth it. If you're trying to get married, marry the right guy who's going to help you through that. Get into the next life that is good for you. Or you don't have to marry a guy to leave the family home. Ditch the family, have your own life, rent your own life. Even if they say oh my God, love your life. My God. First of all, when I signed the lease and I just saw my name, only you have. You have no idea. It's like a milestones.
[00:41:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:21] Speaker A: You see, you lease only your name on it. Not like another guy or another person next to it. And then you feel relief. And then you get to your account when they'll give you the key. I lay down on the like a bare ground. I'm like looked in and I just cry, I weep.
I had this feeling that just come over me for the first time I can breathe. I was not captive more once because I felt captive. Because you have to realize that having to grow up in this culture where women cannot own her home. When Islam gave us 40, 140 years ago, women are able to to own your own home. Where did it come from that I cannot leave my parents when I graduate college and have my own apartment and wait for a marriage to get married. I even seen a man where I talk to, they're still living in their parents house, they're 30, 35 year old. I'm like, what the hell are you doing at your parents house? You say, well I'm just helping the family. So you wanted me just for you to leave your parents house and come to my house? I said did. You must be crazy.
[00:42:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:42:32] Speaker A: Then that's the truth. Why would you live at your parents house? Your parents are your parents. They have right, they have right over you, but you also have right over them. See my children have right over me. They're not mine to keep their lives. I want only give it to me for a certain period of time for me to enjoy. It's like a toy and he's gonna come take it away from anytime he want. But before that, I wanted them to enjoy their life. And for me I would enjoy my life too. I give you life all of this time now I give you all the tools. You are on your own. Goodbye, I'm done my job. That's it. That's what we miss in our community. Most of the girls you see, they get married, younger girls, they're in their first year of college and then they get easy, they get married again and then two years later they have a baby and they got divorced. Why? Because they don't know the concept of marriage. What is marriage? We can talk about that another time. Because there's a lot goes in into marriage that we don't know, that we were not told that we were not told. Only thing we were told was that get married, it's halal, you're supposed to get married. Because that's all we were told. We were not told why.
Like now if you go to any wedding and ask the girl of the guy why are you getting married? Just ask them. They don't know why. They don't. They have no clue about getting married.
[00:43:44] Speaker B: I believe that I did.
[00:43:47] Speaker A: I've been doing it every time I go to A wedding. I ask the girls, I don't know. I guess it's about Dean.
Yeah, they don't know. And it shows. The guys like I was talking to, what they're saying was true. You see the younger girls, they don't know what they want. Like the guy I was telling you earlier yesterday that inboxed me, I asked what do you want from me? He said, I don't know, nothing. Why did you inbox me then? Why are you disturbing my peace? I'm direct and I like people who are very direct and you should be direct. And that's what men want. They want a woman who is direct. Like what do you want from me? And if you guys say I don't know, then I'm like, hey, then leave me alone.
[00:44:23] Speaker B: Yeah, you know earlier how you were saying like the thing about the parents or like the living home with your parents. I think the parents also have a attachment issue or some type of reliance, like emotional reliance.
[00:44:37] Speaker A: The parents think not my generation, generation before even my generation, some of them, they think that the only reason why I'm giving children, even the parent inside the marriage, they think that the only reason I'm giving birth is my kids to take care of me. You see, for me I'm not. I don't want my kids to take care of me. See, when I. I have my own agenda, inshallah, if I get to make it to my age to retire, I have my own agenda. Like where I want to retire, my okay, how I want to retire, how I want to live. I have all of those things. Our parents, they don't.
Their retirement is my kids are going to take care of me financially and there's nothing wrong with it. We are going to take care of them financially. But at what account though?
The account where you feel like sometimes you've been hovered and that's what our kids are feeling it and they feel like, oh, if I leave the house, something bad is going to happen to me. Because they feel guilty because the parent. You have to realize that sometimes parents, we do something that called black emotional blackmailing.
And our parents, some of our parents are really good about it. If you leave the house, you're not taking care of me. Allah is not going to give you this and this and this and this and this. I have seen it with my own eyes. Some girls who are even divorced went back to their parents house because their mother made them even got divorced, get divorced. They say you're not taking care of in the family. Why are you married to this guy? Divorce him, come back to the family, take care of the family. She divorced him. She goes back to the family so she can help the family. Because the family is not doing according to what they wanted. Divorce. It's in our community.
[00:46:19] Speaker B: Yeah. So earlier we were saying how people have, they like pimp the idea of marriage. They also did the same thing with parenting.
[00:46:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:46:27] Speaker B: So we just need a. We need to rewrite what like the goal and purpose of parenting is and marriage.
[00:46:34] Speaker A: And there's also called a communal marriage too in our community.
[00:46:40] Speaker B: No.
[00:46:40] Speaker A: So there is a guy who. The girl wants to get married, right. She's gonna pressure this guy to marry her because she wants to get out of the house. But there is another person that wants also to get married to. You know who that is?
[00:46:51] Speaker B: The mom.
[00:46:52] Speaker A: Yes, the mom. You know how she, she wants to get married through her daughter.
You put it two and two together. You see these big weddings that our family have. Why is it called communal wedding? The guy doesn't even have money because the daughter pressured him, right? He said, you don't have money. She said, don't worry, we'll take care of it. This is where divorce comes in. We'll take care of it. This guy, he gives like maybe, let's say 5,000. But the wedding cost $100. Because she wants to have a whole. She wants to have a hotel, she wants to have this. She wants to have this beautiful wedding that they cannot afford.
[00:47:24] Speaker B: Why?
[00:47:24] Speaker A: Because the mother wants to have Auntie Halima's daughter married a rich guy. But this, her daughter here is marrying a poor guy. The poor guy only have a 5000$. But Auntie Halima is going to make sure that she is going to have the other girl wedding. So what is she going to do? She's going to go to her friends and she's gonna say, each and every one of you, you better bring $5,000. And they all check put $5,000.
This is, it's called communal way. This guy, he shows up to his wedding, he's like, I only pay $5,000. You Mahara, what the hell is this?
[00:47:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:47:59] Speaker A: And guess what? When a man doesn't work what he did not give, he feels like it's been given to him. And guess what happens? He isn't honored.
And that's where divorce comes in. Because he doesn't honor it. This girl, he didn't work hard to get her. You see, men, that's another thing. You know what they like? They like the girl that they work hard to get. Hard to get they don't like the girl that gives that just are easy. The girl that's available every time they call, the girl that answers their text message. Now the he text you 8 o'. Clock. Don't text him back until tomorrow, 8pm all night long he's going to stare at that phone and wonder where is she? But the girl that checks it in every time, he's gonna get bored. Same thing in marriage in our community. Then divorce shows up. Because that was a communal wedding. And the wedding night where night you seen it. The mother is the one who's going to show up in the wedding first that is dressed up like the bride.
Well, I went to some weddings and I'm like, why is the mom showing up? My sister, my older sister. She's like. So I, you know, I talk. Oh my God. You. I can't believe you. I'm like, why? The bride is supposed to come first. Why is the mother coming? Not the mother of the guy. The mother of the guy. Poor guy. Oh my God. I just thought about it. I have two boys. I saw the mother of the. The mother of the guy. Poor soul.
[00:49:21] Speaker B: She's a citizen.
[00:49:23] Speaker A: Second class citizen. She's just sitting somewhere on the corner. She has no idea. The mother of the. The mother of the bride shows up with her friends, music, the gold, the way she dressed up, the henna. I'm like, who is getting married?
[00:49:36] Speaker C: Oh no.
[00:49:37] Speaker A: They were like, you did not know that? This is the rules now. The mom comes in first.
[00:49:41] Speaker B: You know, nowadays some weddings, they also keep mentioning the mom's tribe, but not, not even the girl's tribe, like what her dad is.
[00:49:51] Speaker A: I did it with my eyes. One of my closest friends, her son was getting married one night. The mom came. I was like, what is she? I call her. She's like, I'm in the car still. I was like, oh, hell no. I'm like, we're gonna do the music again. We're gonna bring the guys. His mother.
[00:50:06] Speaker B: That's crazy work.
It's like the moms are trying to live through the daughters.
[00:50:13] Speaker A: And that's what it is. Because one day I was sitting at my cousin's wedding, she was having a simple, beautiful nika. The moms were talking about. I was like, when are you guys gonna stop this? And one of the moms said, it is our turn. We didn't have what she's having. I was like, wow, look at that. Exactly. When mom said that, I was like, look at that. So she you living through her. I said, are you going to Take responsibility for the divorce too, because you're not telling her how to keep her marriage. You're not advising her because the minute she comes to you and runs to you and cry, you're telling her, advising her, leave him. That's what they're telling you.
And she leaves the husband. She goes back to the house because you know why? She already got the wedding demand right now she doesn't care if the daughter stays the house because she's going to make more money anyway. She's leaving to her daughter still because she want to hold on to her.
[00:50:56] Speaker B: So she gets a benefit either way.
[00:50:58] Speaker A: That's what's happening in our community.
[00:51:01] Speaker B: So for you, what do you think is the purpose and goal of parenting?
[00:51:07] Speaker A: The children are not yours to keep, number one. Your job is to have them ready. First of all, two parents first. I shared this video earlier. I think it was mufti mink or. No, no, no, it was that Ghanaian brother. I will share it with you later on tonight. It's very small video. He said when couples get married, they don't have children at least a few years. The first few years of marriage.
[00:51:32] Speaker B: I saw you posted it on your story yesterday because you know why?
[00:51:36] Speaker A: I agree with him and I always tell couples, because in Islam, we're not intimate before marriage. Well, technically, I'm just saying. So when you get married, it's like you are getting to know each other this time, these three years, take some time. You know, percussion and get to know each other, travel each other, get to know each other, cook together, clean together, have some rules. Get to know each other.
[00:52:04] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:52:04] Speaker A: You like, dislike. If this guy leaves the toilet seat up when you sit down and you just go, the.
[00:52:10] Speaker B: Come on.
[00:52:11] Speaker A: Lord knows how.
[00:52:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:52:13] Speaker A: You know, if he leaves his, you know, socks on the ground, why you have to collect and be like, I'm not, I'm not clean. You going to put, put that up there. Know each other. Get to know each other the first two years and then plan your children. And before you plan your children, know that these children you bring into the world, they are part of the society. And it's your job to bring, bring to this society children that will benefit society. The ummah.
[00:52:42] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:52:43] Speaker A: How are you going to do that? Also plan, how many kids are we going to have? Some people are going to say, oh, my gosh, she's a Kofar. No. Allah loves quality. It's like me saying, okay, inattention. Inattention. It's like me saying, okay, either I'm going to pray my five with quality time, intention or I'm gonna pray my five salat with of Sunnah which if you do it every day, there is house building in Jannah. That's a deep. But if I do it, if I do that beside my five salat and I rush through it, there is no house in Jannah. And my salat is not going to be accepted because I'm rushing through it.
So Allah loves quality. Next quantity.
[00:53:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:53:28] Speaker A: So if you can only raise two children because of how much money you make, because kids are worth a lot of money too, do it quality and space it so the mother can have time to raise one child and talk about it. Are you gonna breastfeed? Where are we gonna live? Is this place that we live, the schools, are they good? Is the area safe? What are the schools? Go google the schools. What are they like? Are this school failing school? Are this school. Think about it. There's so much to research because you wanted a good children. Not only society are going to benefit, but also as you as a parent, when you have them, you'll be like, oh my God, Alhamdulillah. But real children that are not factory. Yeah, you're not factory to give kids so they can work for you. No, no, that's not how it works.
[00:54:21] Speaker B: They don't serve you.
[00:54:22] Speaker A: No, they don't serve you. They serve Allah. You serve Allah. As a matter of fact, you serve your children. You pay their bills, you press, you breastfeed, you change diapers, you put them to school, you wake up at night, you medical everything, you raise them, you give them food. This is for you. Don't blame on the government either.
And don't think I'm going to raise my children because the government is going to support me. No, honey, if you cannot take care of your children, don't bring your children to the world thinking that the government is going to support them. Because us Muslims remember the money that is coming from the government, which is welfare.
Think and research where it's coming from. That money. Is it halal from your home? No. You are destroying your home. If you only knew that money, where is it coming from? And that's another whole subject. We can talk about it. Each household who uses that money, they destroy their home and their family.
Because that money is coming from places that where you don't want it even to know.
You want to hear new moods. Go see therapists. Go talk to therapists. There's a lot of therapists. Thank God today there's so many Muslim therapists. We have a male, female, we even have an institution today that are served by Muslim male and female that you can go see and it's discreet, that can help you and support you. Even non Muslim go see that you reason why you here.
[00:55:55] Speaker B: What have you learned about yourself through the process of starting over?
[00:55:59] Speaker A: Patient, be patient with myself.
Healing, take a time. It's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. And I also learned not everyone is your champion. Not everyone is. You see, when you go into adversity, there are people that you thought that you can turn to them for support. And then you will see so many doors being shut on your face. Those doors you expected to be open for you. And this is where the learning comes from. There are groups or people that you thought that these are my allies because you showed up for them, that they turned their backs on you because now you are a single mother. There's a stigma also in the community and it's sad, you know, but also it's blessing because Allah sent again divorce as a relief. There's reason why Allah didn't send a divorce, believe me. Oh my God, nobody killed. The only way to get out of divorce would be on its killing job. Believe me, healing is one thing I learned. It's a process. It doesn't take overnight. And there were a friend, an amazing, incredible, a new friendship that surprised me, that emerged in my life. And that's the beauty about it. Change. And remember earlier what I said to you. There are people Allah will send into your life, certain time for reason. It could be a man who's looking for a marriage. It could be a woman who just looking for a friendship. It could be a stranger that you met in the bus. Just meet your friendship and he will remove certain people that were in your people for a long time in your life for a reason. Because they will not meant to stay there. There are people that will come to your life in a time where you're not even looking for people.
And they will surprise you.
And there are people that were in your life for a very long time in a time of need, they will turn their back on you.
Either way, Allah is teaching you a lesson. But you have to learn what's behind that lesson. Are you patient? Are you grateful? Or are you going to be ungrateful? Or you're going to be like, yeah, this person is not supposed to write with me into the end, or this person is supposed to write with me to the end, or this person that I met, it's my person. So you have to think about that. You have to make that choice. But know that this world that we're living in is illusion. Everything you see, the lights, the glitz, the glamour, everything is temporary. The other day I visit the Khabar, you know, the cemetery. From time to time I go visit there because my friends are buried there. I used to see them. These are women who I raise children with. These were women like I sat across the street, across the table, like you and I right now. These were my peers. But today they're beneath the earth. And some days I wake up and I feel heavy in my heart. So even though I watch, you know, janaza. And it's incredible when you do janaza, by the way, it's. Life changes because you see yourself as nothing. And life becomes nothing. Because when you're dead and you're lying on that table and a stranger is washing your body, that's your last bite.
Stranger is washing your body and a stranger is going to clothe you. You're helpless. When you came to the world, strangers have washed the you either the nurse or somebody, you were helpless. You were nobody, you were nothing. You did not know nothing. And you leaving the world, it's the same thing. You're nothing, you're nobody. So for me, the things I learned is that number one, patience. Number two, not everyone is meant to be in your life. Some will come to teach you lesson and leave and some will stay until the end. But both way they both teach you lesson. But the lesson you learn is why now? Why this time? And no matter what happens. The other thing I notice is that never trust anyone with life and its ups and downs means that even if you tell people what's going on, whatever's happening in your life, nobody can do nothing. But Allah subhana we talked about it. But to ask someone, only Allah subhanahu wa ta' ala can intervene. Whatever is happening to your life and divorces are not the final destination actually is a new chapter. It is and it's new beginning and one you should just enjoy the hell out of it. Traveling by yourself, eating, enjoying. And the best part is that dating different person, learning people, it will surprise you how other people think. Especially if you are someone who is aware of themselves. You know, like someone who knows like who they are and what they. What they feel it be surprise how people think. Cuz you mean some people you be like oh my God, are you really. Are you for real?
Yep.
[01:00:58] Speaker B: The stories you're telling me earlier.
[01:00:59] Speaker A: Yeah, you know that, right? This person is 50 and you can talk about. Okay, no problem. Y and Never let go. Family. Family will always be a family. They could be crazy and they are crazy. Family are crazy. The family is family. Family is your family.
[01:01:14] Speaker B: The last two questions you can answer, like all together. But how can divorced women navigate re entry into like marriage discussions and a healthy, dignified way? And what would you tell someone who fears they may never find love again after divorce?
[01:01:31] Speaker A: Tell me the first one I can.
[01:01:32] Speaker B: How can divorced women navigate re entry into marriage in a dignified way?
[01:01:38] Speaker A: Heal him first.
[01:01:39] Speaker B: Number one.
[01:01:40] Speaker A: Let's put that one aside. You have to heal from your divorce. Getting into the marriage part is tricky. Like I said earlier, you know, people will introduce you to other people. That's number one.
Knowing what you wanted second time or third time is very important. And knowing what you want, not only what you want, but how you approach your second time. Because your first time you might have been 20 or 18. Yeah, it's different than the second time because your second time you should know, you should be aware of.
And when you say dignified way.
There are women that after they got divorced, somehow it seems like they lost control and they're just out there in getting married, divorced, getting married, divorced. It's like every three months they're getting married, divorce like a new guy. Just not dignified. Self respect, valuing yourself, carrying yourself to the utmost high. It's very important because remember, especially if you're a mother and you have children, you can't not just bring any man into the family, into the house. Oh, also, I forgot one other thing that I wanted to mention. There are women that in our community believe if I remarry, I cannot bring a guy to the family because he might do something to my kids. So him and I were just going to meet with hotel. Oh yeah, the mahar. Everybody's gonna know. But he's not going to sleep with me. We're just gonna meet in a hotel once or twice a week or during the daytime. But he's not going to be in the family. Now, how the hell are you going to do that? For me, it is very important to me. The guy I'm going to share life with has to align with my belief. I'm not talking about the religion. That one is absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. But my belief, my core belief, like what I like, who I like. For instance, we compatible. Compatibility. Are we. Does he know how to calm me down when I have a really bad day and I say, babe, I can't talk today, I'm sorry, I'm just gonna hang out. Does he know how to Restrain himself.
Instead of throwing a fit like a boy. He's gonna bombard me with like a millions of text messages. No, that's not the kind of guy you want. So you always have to find a way to know how comfortable am I with the person who I'm gonna bring in the. And don't bring people in. Your children. Introduce your children that you don't know if it's going to stay in your life or not. Because your children are very important of whom they going to meet us did that to be. Because I have seen women who bring men into their apartment or homes that are not married. Because, oh, it's okay. As long he comes to the house because my kids are there. We can just sit and watch TV together. Corona. And two, three days later, you guys are break up. You're gonna break up and then you're gonna be the next guy. You're confusing your children. And your children will not respect you. You have to respect yourself.
Dignified is how you carry yourself. You have to respect yourself. You see, when a man sees you that you respect, you have respecting yourself, they respect you. There were men where I date them, and I simply walked away from the relationship. I was like, hey, listen, this thing is not working out between us.
I apologize. I can't continue this. Men will respect to you the woman who walked away from the relationship. And they always wonder in their head, oh, my God, she has enough respect to walk away from me.
[01:05:25] Speaker B: My brother told me that's the one they always want the most.
[01:05:28] Speaker A: Exactly. Oh, I know I am. That's the one they want.
[01:05:31] Speaker B: It's like. Like the.
Like they never get over the first wife.
[01:05:35] Speaker A: No.
[01:05:36] Speaker B: But then the second wife is who accepted them. Yeah. When they're ready.
Yeah. That's a whole other topic.
[01:05:42] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, it is. Because that's. See, that's the thing. You have to respect yourself. I don't care how many marriages you went. I don't care how many kids you have. Man respects women who respect herself. So if you don't respect yourself, honey, they're gonna walk all over you. And guess what? You're just gonna take job after job after job and after job, and you're going to do nothing. You're just going to sit there and take it. You have to respect yourself always. And you have to always put yourself. Remember what I said from the beginning? You must love yourself and you must leave your own company. Second, what would you tell someone who.
[01:06:18] Speaker B: Fears they may never find love again after divorce?
[01:06:21] Speaker A: You never have. I remember when I come earlier and I said, I found a parking, I found a parking. Always have a positive thinking when you feel content with yourself. Peace within yourself, number one, love of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'. Ala. Believe me, even if you don't find the love, you just feel this fulfillment of happiness. Because I've met through this journey, I met a lot of incredible women who I call my friends who have it all. I sit with them and I talk to them. Sometimes we eat together. And the way to, you know, to conversate the smart women, women who have it all together is to sit with them and talk to them. These women, they raise very incredible, successful children. They've been married once or twice, they have an amazing career, they travel, they live a beautiful home, their life is lavishly, they drive a beautiful cars. And you ask them like the same question you just asked me, they will say, listen, I have Islam, I have everything I want in life, I'm content, I'm okay, even if I can find love again. And they love their last husband they were with, but somehow things couldn't work out between them. And they'll tell you, they'll tell you, if I wanted to remarry again, I would have that guy back. Because I love him very much, but I love him enough to let him go. And there are women who will do that, by the way, they will find love, but they know that they can and will never make happy that guy because they know themselves. So they will choose their happiness over to make someone else happy. Because you see love, you always have to compromise. So for them, their happiness is what they have already done for their life, career, children. They've been married a couple of times, they just, they're just happy and greet me. I have sat with this. Some of these women, if they hear this, they're probably laughing because I always tell them, I say, I cannot live without a man, I need to find me some guy. And they'd be like, su', Ad, yeah, we know you, you're a feminine.
[01:08:19] Speaker B: I had an epiphany like the other day, like the past couple, like three weeks, it was kind of hard, you know. And this past week I felt normal again. But then nothing changed. It was just me how I felt, you know. And then I realized you can have everything you want, but if you're not feeling happy inside, the things that normally make you happy, like all your blessings, it's not even going to make you happy when you're down.
So it was never these things that made you happy, it was how you feel inside.
So it's like when you're good inside, the blessings are gonna be great. When you're not good inside, you don't care about what blessing you have. You just because you're not doing good, you know? And I feel like, like marriage is the same way. If you're not good internally, that good marriage is not even gonna make you happy. But if you're happy, it's just gonna be an extension of it.
[01:09:10] Speaker A: Exactly. No human being should fulfill you because that is just extra love should always. Cup should be full before this person even comes into your life.
Because this person. Remember we talked about death? Right? When they leave, how would you feel? Are you gonna fall apart or are you going to be okay? You need to self control. Like some guys, they know, like if I leave her, she's gonna fall apart. So they'll keep you around, but they'll have their side chick on the side. And that's what some guys do too. They know you're gonna fall apart, but you need to let them know that, honey, you can leave right now. And I'm gonna be just fine. You watch the deal, right?
[01:09:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:09:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
You're dead. You cannot give that control to another human being. Luck supposed to have that control over you. Even Allah will not let you down. You see, when you. When you're sad, you remember what happened to Isa and not Isa, Musa's mother. She was breastfeeding and went for almost killing all the children, the boys. And she was. They were coming to her. She. When she want to put him in the bassinet for the. For Nile to put it in the Nile River. She almost didn't do it because she was afraid.
[01:10:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:10:28] Speaker A: Love for her child. Because this river with a lot of crocodiles and all this. How do you do that? Imagine mother, her child, infant child who's breastfeeding. But Allah held her heart to let go because they were gonna. They promised her it was gonna return to her.
And they did. Of all people, for all his wife.
[01:10:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:10:49] Speaker A: The way she put him together. She said, oh, look at me. He's the queen who my allies. Look at him.
No one accepted him in his house. The enemy's house.
[01:11:00] Speaker B: Wow.
[01:11:01] Speaker A: And his sister came to find his mother because he was promised to return as a nursing woman who just lost her child. No, that was his mother. And they took her to a house in firom so his mother can breastfeed him. Look at the circle.
[01:11:15] Speaker B: Wow. Like we hear these prophetic stories, but we don't apply it to our own.
[01:11:19] Speaker A: Life because we're Busy with ourselves. We never, like, we don't stop. We don't stop to reflect.
We don't stop to reflect and to say, okay, this happened to me. Hold on a second. Why did it happen to me? Why now? What's the reason behind it? We never say that. We always come from an emotional site. Like, really? I do that to my kids, you know, when I can, I give them something and they cry. Like. Like, I'd be like, I look at them, I'm like, oh, by the way, you know, kids in Palestino.
That's my emotional BlackBerry, by the way. See, mine is healthy.
[01:11:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:11:54] Speaker A: Because you could have this particular phone you find on me. Well, guess what, kids in Palestinian. Oh, my God. Why you have to do that? That's emotional blackmail right there. For my y.
You don't want to eat this food. You want to call Uber eat. You don't want to cooked. You don't want to eat the food. I cooked it. You want to follow Uber eat, right? Well, let me see how the kids in Palestine are doing. Maybe we should send them that Uber money.
[01:12:21] Speaker B: Is there anything that you feel like you haven't said that you want to get?
[01:12:25] Speaker A: There's a lot of things I haven't said, but it's not going to be done only in one day. So, yeah, I'm going.
But one last thing I wanted to say is that to a woman, whether she's a single or first time, trying to find a love. Find a love within you first. Then love will find you.
[01:12:42] Speaker B: Simple.
[01:12:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Find in love within you first. Then love will find you. You gotta love yourself. You gotta find that in you.
Find it. It's in there. And love will find you. You will attract the right person. You attract the right people. Believe me, you will know. He'll come. They will come. But first you have to find that inside of you. And you have a lot of work to do if you don't have it. If you don't know how to love yourself, you gotta find how to love yourself. Yeah. You can't fall apart. You have to find how to love yourself. You gotta must enjoy your. How to be your own company. How to just be okay when things are not okay. Find that love. Find that inner love. And if you have a void and you think a man is going to fill that void, honey, you're just digging a hole that will never fill. You have to fill that void first before you bring this guy into your life and to do more therapy. Find why you have that void. Find it. Because once you find Out. Once this guy find out that you have a void to fill, he'll take advantage of you because he knows that he just became the guy who you've been waiting to fill this void. And he'll take advantage. But when he comes, this person who is whole, that is not falling apart, that was calm, collective, smooth, he can't touch her. He can't. Whatever he does, he can. And then he will know if she's the one and if she's not the one, he'll just step aside for the right guy to come and want the right guy to come. No matter what she does to him, he will not budge. He will stay because he know he sees something about this woman that the other women don't have. You see, there has to be something about this woman that he wants, that the other woman that he's been seeing, they don't have it, but this one has it because she's showing. What is it? Self control, Self regulation. Emotional regulation. Self love. Beautiful things.
[01:14:41] Speaker B: I learned so much from this conversation.
[01:14:46] Speaker A: I'm not going to spend the time with anybody who's either going to learn from me or I'm going to learn from them. That's my other thing. If I'm not going to benefit a conversation, even whether it's the social media I'm listening to something, I'm not, I'm not going to learn. I'm. I'm just gonna walk away because my time is very valuable. How I spend it is very valuable. You see, some people, like, they do a lot of crazy stuff, right, because they want to pass time. The only time I pass time is when I want to watch movie. And that actually is for me is my me time. But other than that, either I'm writing something or I'm doing something or I'm doing work or I'm. And I love cooking on. I'm cooking something.
But if I am someone's life, I wanted them to learn something from me or I want to learn something from them. And that's the other thing women misses always. Am I with the right person? Why are you my friend? Why am I in your life? Am I learning something from you? What benefit did you bring into my life? Am I benefiting from you? No.
Bye. Your life should be privilege to anyone. Not anybody should be walking in and out like a, you know, empty space. Space. Whoever occupies your time in your life should be privileged.
[01:15:50] Speaker B: We need to do assessments of our relationships.
[01:15:53] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I have a book called the Red Book. I put people who don't benefit me every day. Their name down before I go to sleep.
[01:16:03] Speaker B: The red book, right?
[01:16:04] Speaker A: Book this. It's called good rings. I don't benefit from this person. So I don't know why she's in my life or he's my. I just don't because I don't have time for it. If you don't bring anything into my life that benefits me and benefit my Akram, my my. My Iman in my Dean. Honey, you're not worth it. I can know you from outside. I can say hi and hello. But to spend the time with you, to give you my time. No, not everybody. And that should be for every woman. Time supposed to be valuable. Even the guy who you think that you're in love with. You should not just find you available every time he picks up the phone or he texts you. Make him work. Sprinkle, sprinkle.
I like that.
[01:16:43] Speaker B: Sure. 7 I love her.
[01:16:46] Speaker A: She sprinkle.
I. I love her and I agree with her. She be like sprinkle, sprinkle like yeah, let's go eat.
[01:16:52] Speaker B: All right.
Thank you everyone who has tuned in today to listen to me and sa conversation. This conversation was a reminder that love is not one dimensional. It is shaped by culture. Culture of faith, the world we live in and the wounds we're still healing from. If you're someone who's navigating love between cultures. If you're trying to hold on to your Dean in a. In a world that normalizes everything but intention. If you're rebuilding after divorce and learning to trust again. I pray that you benefited from this conversation and will use some of these tools and apply it to your own life without giving up. And that to use love to deepen your relationship with yourself and with Allah and with your community. May your future be filled with love that is gener gentle God centered, emotionally safe and aligned with who you're becoming. Thanks for watching, Follow, share, subscribe and leave comments for what you'd like to see next. Thank you.
[01:17:47] Speaker C: Holding.
Holding on to longing.
Holding on to nostalgia.
Holding on to home.
Holding on to grief.
Holding on to the memory.
Holding on.
Holding.
Holding on for your life.
Holding on to root.
Holding on to culture.
Holding your breath.
Holding on to faith.
Holding on to God.
Holding.
Holding for the future.
Holding.
Holding on to the Ummah one story at a time.
